Let me explain. I have been--still am, if I'm gonna be honest--a person who experiences serious bouts of depression. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression in about 2001/2002. I've taken Paxil, Zoloft, and several other medications in an attempt to control it.
The only one to successfully do the job is Zoloft. I've left it; I've come back to it. I've taken meds that caused nausea, and sleeplessness, and worsened my depression. I've suffered and battled long enough now to recognize when the depression is starting to be in control.
In this time, and the time before I knew what was wrong, I would become suicidal. Everything was bleak. My life held no joy. Nothing made me happy. Not my children, not my husband, not friends and family. I would get out of bed to work and use the bathroom. I cared nothing about eating or whether anyone else in my house ate.
Depression was an evil bitch and she was in charge.
During these times, when I was conscious and aware--I slept as often as possible--my thoughts centered around everything I viewed as hopeless. My writing ability. My stress-filled job. My marriage. My parenting ability. Nothing was sacred.
I could find no reason to stay. I didn't want to find one. I was confident I'd reached the end of my rope, and with any luck, I'd figure out how to tie a noose.
Usually, when I reached this point, the thought of my children without a mother brought me back from the ledge. They worked like nothing else could for years. One of the last times I experienced a bad bout, my kids didn't work. I would still be making them motherless, but it wasn't important enough to penetrate the dark abyss in which I found myself.
Fear kept me from stepping off the ledge. Fear kept me in check. I felt chained. I didn't want to be here anymore, but I KNEW if I tried, I'd mess it up, and be worse off than I had been when I started out.
I look back on those times, and I'm thankful I feared messing it up. I'm not sure where this life will lead me, but I'm in for the ride.
Now, on to my reason for being torn. I don't believe someone who commits suicide will be sent to Hell. I'm not going to race out and try to save souls. I understand the person who thinks of suicide. I've stood in those shoes, and thought "I can make this stop. I can end it."
I believe a person has the right to decide how and why they leave this life. I believe it the same way I believe a woman has the right to make decisions about and choices regarding her own body. The same way I believe every person is entitled to an opinion.
Now, I'm torn because the thought of children making such a final decision bothers me. It breaks my heart to know someone who hasn't had a chance to live never will. They will never discover what it's like to love and be loved, to be in charge of your own destiny, to be free.
I honestly think everyone has the right to decide for themselves what is right for them, but the thought of a child making this kind of decision makes me want to say they need to be stopped. We need to find a way to keep this from happening.
And there, my friends, is the root of my dilemma. I'm in favor of doing whatever it takes to keep kids from committing suicide, but it goes totally against my "everyone has a right" attitude.
It is blackest inside a depression, light absorbed before it can illuminate anything. I've seen it. Been intimate with it. Observed it from the outside. Watched friends and family fight against the oppression. I've also seen victory against thoughts of suicide. I've lived it, and lived though it.
It does get better. You can overcome it, and face it from the other side of the chasm. The world is a better place with you in it. Never forget that.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, there is help:
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now or call them at 866-488-7386.
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/ or call them at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call them at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
There are other places to get help. Go online or call the operator. Remember, the world wouldn't be as bright without you in it.
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| There is hope. |
Hey you! Great post. My sister's best friend's husband committed suicide and she's always posting Suicide Prevention things on FB. He left behind three great kids. :( To this day, my sister's friend isn't positive why he did it (no note). But you are right about kids. They don't have the capacity to make such a final decision like that. I hope that every and all kids that battle depression can find a way past it and get the help they need. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carah! It is a sad fact. I've seen it first hand in my job, and in my personal life. I've battled it myself. I've had kids I went to school with take the final out not long after high school graduation. It is devastating to the ones left behind.
Delete*hugs* to your sister's friend and her children. And, of course, *HUGS* to you, my friend!